The Average Gamer

Uwe Boll Films: Why, Oh Why?

Games being flushed down the toilet - literally I do not understand. Why do games franchise owners keep allowing godawful director Uwe Boll the rights to wee all over make films based on great games? And where does he repeatedly get the money to make this godawful tripe?? Look at the man’s video game adaption career…

House of The Dead (2003)
Production Budget + estimated marketing costs: US$22 million
Total lifetime grosses: US$13,818,181
IMDB user rating: 2.1 out of 10
Critics tomatometer: 6%

“It’s inept, inane and it sucks like an airplane toilet.”
Jamie Russell, BBC

“You’d be hard-pressed to find a duller, more incompetent — and less scary — flick with cheesier effects in a remainder bin crammed with direct-to-video horrors.”
— Lou Lumenick, NEW YORK POST

Alone in the Dark (2005)

Production Budget + estimated marketing costs: US$20 million
Total lifetime grosses: US$8,120,962
IMDB user rating: 2.2 out of 10
Critics tomatometer: 1% (!!)

“Saying Uwe Boll’s Alone in the Dark is better than his 2003 American debut House of the Dead is akin to praising syphilis for not being HIV.”
Nicholas Schager, SLANT MAGAZINE

“The three stars have seen better days, but I’d like to think they could still do something classier and more dignified than this. Like gay porn.”

BloodRayne (2006)
Production Budget + estimated marketing costs: US$47 million
Total grosses (okay, it’s only been open 2 weeks so far – will update in future): US$2,405,420
IMDB user rating: 2.2 out of 10
Critics tomatometer: 7%

“It’s as if Boll brought together the best team of talent he could possibly secure on short notice and then told them all to suck. And they do!”
Robert Strohmeyer, FILMCRITIC.COM

“BloodRayne fails as mindless entertainment and as eye candy, violating the basic laws of both vampire films and cheesy videogame adaptations: It can’t even suck right.”

Please, games companies, stop giving your games to this man! Does anyone know what the companies get out of selling him the rights to their games? I mean besides the guarantee of supporting the rule that video-game-based movies suck and allowing some disreputable muppet to drag their franchise through the mud, obviously.

[quotes collected from]