The Average Gamer

Indie Rock: Computer PupDog

My housing contract is very specific about pets, but it’s also very specific about smoking while indoors and fucked if I’m going to go outside in order to smoke. What am I, someone with a decent sense of self preservation and concern for the future?

So we’ve got bunnies, which we’re allowed because they’re kept in a cage (except, shh, a lot of the time they’re out of that place running free like they’re in an adorable Iron Maiden cover band). And that’s as far as I felt comfortable breaking the stringent pet rules.

Until Now.

Computer PupDog is like having a real dog in your house but instead of in your house it’s in your computer. It is the perfect dog simulation for people with dog allergies or similar living arrangements to my own. You’re allowed this dog. It’s not a real dog. It’s okay. It’d be like your landlord kicking you out for having a Furby. And maybe they can do that if it’s in your contract but if that’s probably only the case if they’ve other income as a Hasbro competitor. Just in case, don’t leave your BeyBlades out on the coffee table either.

I’m not sure what breed Computer PupDog is. It’s the kind of dog that likes love and treats, so, your guess is as good as mine. Your interaction with this dog is distilled down to giving it biscuits and oversized hearts which I am lead to believe represents a human custom called “affection”. And that’s about all you do with a real dog anyway, right? Save for tiresomely taking it out for a wander around so that it can sniff things and pee. This dog either likes things you do to it or it’s asleep. It’s the perfect dog.

Computer PupDog PoopSometimes the dog will poop and you can throw away the poop or you can give the poop to the dog. When I was 10 I saw a dog eat a poop and I nearly vomited because it was gross and I had to hold it in because I was at school and we had a rounders game to finish playing. That’s a true story. It’s pretty much how I feel about this mechanic, too. I guess it would be inauthentic to not allow the dog to eat poop. It’s all about player choice, here. You get to decide if the poop gets thrown away or not. Video Games are art.

You can collect up the love and the treats and give them all to the dog at once and it breaks the sound. Maybe this is the game’s way of conveying pet ownership advice. Don’t do it. It’s not good to overfeed dogs. They get all lethargic and unhappy. Not this dog, though. This isn’t a real dog. I feel like I have to keep repeating how this isn’t actually a real dog. It’s just a Video Game dog. You don’t have to worry about the health and mental well being of this dog. The dog will blink a lot and wag their tail. It’s in a good mood. You’re doing a good job caring for this video game dog.

[Editor’s Note: This game is terrible. Also, I threw away the first poop and even after feeding it an entire screen-full of bones, I couldn’t get it to poop again for a screenshot.]