Actually, I take it back. I might well buy a game on the strength of its cover art if it looked like this:

But otherwise, not so much. The thing that changed 3 years ago was the release of Mass Effect. Now long-time readers of this blog will know that I have a long history of computer-RPGs, all the way back to the Gold Box games. I played Baldur’s Gate and all its sequels. I played Icewind Dale. I played KOTOR. I played NeverWinter Nights. And yet, with all that gaming history from BioWare, I still had serious doubts over whether or not I could play Mass Effect. Why’s that?

The cover art. And the screenshots. And the character art. And the marketing videos. And the merchandise.

Who the hell is that? I don’t want to play a BOY!

Yup, even with all the previous BioWare games, the sheer onslaught of John Shepard imagery gave me serious doubts as to whether or not this game was for me. I honestly don’t understand why this was seen as a good idea. It’s an RPG, ffs. You’re supposed to BE the title character, not identify with him. Hell, probably the most popular lead character in the history of gaming is a first-person mute. Fortunately for both BioWare and Microsoft, I did a little research because I had faith in the developers. I discovered that I could indeed play someone of my own gender and wound up buying an Xbox 360 specifically to play Mass Effect :)

Cover art be damned. It gets in the way of real gaming.

This post was part of Gamer Banter, a monthly video game discussion coordinated by Terry at Game Couch. If you’re interested in being part of this, please email him for details.

Other takes on cover art for games:

• Silvercublogger: Don’t Cover The Art, Unless…
• Aim for the Head: Browsing the Aisles
• SnipingMizzy: In the eye of the beholder
• Extra Guy: On Books and Covers
• Zath: How Important Is A Game’s Cover Art?
• carocat.co.uk: Cover art? No, thanks!
• Pioneer Project: The game box’s big moment
• Man Fat: How Important Is A Game’s Cover Art?

Or check out previous banter posts on The Average Gamer.

With the release of the PC version of Assassin’s Creed II Ubisoft launched their new “online platform.” This platform requires your copy of Assassin’s Creed II to constantly validate itself with Ubisoft’s central servers via the internet. Any break, however tiny, in this connection will result in you getting kicked out of your own game. Yep, kicked out until the game can revalidate itself. Ubisoft is saying that the benefits of this online platform outweigh the hassle of your game constantly validating itself. These benefits include:

• Unlimited installs
• Play the game without a disk
• Save data that is accessible from multiple computers

According to Ubisoft’s marketing director, Murray Pannell:

We are aware that some players will not be able to connect to the internet but with the proliferation of WiFi, the majority of people can connect most of the time, so these instances should be very limited.

Quote via MCV

Personally I think this anti-piracy plan is myopic. I have no problem with Ubisoft wanting to have PC owners buying their games rather than just pirating them as they deserve to profit from their hard work. However, I do have a problem with a game that it stops me playing it just because my wireless connection dropped. When I buy a game I expect to be able to play it whenever I want, which I can on the PlayStation 3 and the Xbox 360 versions of Assassin’s Creed II.

Going back to Mr Pannell’s quote, that the “majority of people can connect most of the time”. I’m sorry, most of the time isn’t good enough. This is not an acceptable level of service. The customer buys the product, in this case £26.99 PC version of Assassin’s Creed II, and then the customer has the right to play then game at any time.

There is something I just don’t understand about both games and film companies. Why do they persist in making the legitimate purchases of their products pay for the fact they haven’t pirated them? If you watch a downloaded film from the internet, you don’t have to sit though the awful anti-piracy ads which infect DVD and Blu-rays.

Someone (via @jackschofield on twitter) has summed up perfectly the difference between pirating a movie and watching a legitimate DVD:

Does anyone else think that this approach is counter productive and just plain stupid? Stop pissing off people who buy DVD’s and Blu-ray with all this anti-piracy crap and put more content on the discs (e.g. behind the scenes stuff) instead.

So don’t buy the PC version of Assassin’s Creed II, buy the PlayStation 3 or Xbox 360 versions instead, otherwise you’ll miss out playing a great game.

Update 7th March 2010: Well it didn’t take long for this crappy DRM solution to prevent people from playing their game. There’s currently a problem with the Ubisoft DRM servers meaning people can’t play Assassin’s Creed II. Just buy any version of Assassin’s Creed II apart from the PC one. Then Ubisoft might come up with a less idiotic DRM solution. The post from acetken nicely sums up the whole mess:

Wow. Bought it for my brother for his birthday and now he can’t play it. Thanks, Ubi! You’ve made this a great weekend.

To quote the front page of Joystiq:
“Find a less abominable DRM policy.”

We’re done until you do. (And improve your tech support while you’re at it. It’s the worst I’ve seen yet.)

So, at the risk of encouraging them with the attention, I’m instigating a new policy of pointing out games that, as a woman, I find laughable. Sometimes even offensive. Contrary to what you may think, I don’t really mind hentai or games like DOA: Xtreme Beach Volleyball. At least they’re upfront about their motives. I’m even fine with Elexis Sin, what with her being modelled after an actual living woman (ICBW). Sure, in Tomb Raider you spend an awful lot of time staring at Lara’s butt. However, it’s always suitably dressed for the prevailing weather.

No, the games that get me are the ones where porn-like women are totally irrelevant. Games like Conan with its stripper-style animation of rescued captive women [linked video NSFW].

Here’s X-Blades, an upcoming anime hack-and-slash which falls straight into the offensive pile:

Introducing Ayumi…

This charismatic heroine is a fearless treasure hunter who has often used her gun blades to fight her way out of seemingly hopeless situations.

See the X-Blades website for more character info. Here’s a picture of Ayumi.

Nice T&A pose. You know where else you can find women who pose like that? In newspapers. On Page 3 [also NSFW]. Quite apart from the fact that she looks about 14 years old, I suppose Ayumi ditched the chainmail bikini because it was too cumbersome, right?

Perhaps I’m not being fair, choosing a promotional wallpaper image. Here’s an in-game screenshot from the media section of the website:

Classy character design, there. Of course, being a kick-ass sword-and-gun-wielding heroine, Ayumi needed to be rescued by a man. Here’s Jay.

Jay is an adventurer like Ayumi and can also be found on the Temple Island. He rescues her from a deadly trap, tries (without success) to free her from her curse and attempts to support her in her fight against the Powers of Darkness.

And his picture:

Note the buffed and manly pecs. Marvel at the well-endowed codpiece. Gasp at his sexy revealing G-string.

No, wait. In my dreams. Us hetero ladies don’t get to play with hot men. I guess it might threaten the developers’ collective masculinity.

I’m not saying that the solution to female objectification is male objectification. It would just be nice if most (not all) character designers could get their heads out of their collective asses for five minutes and think about a world that contains people who aren’t white, male and aged 15 to 25. There are a lot of us out here, also with games consoles. Between us, we have a crapload of money and we’re not spending it on you.

I wonder why…

“We thought it was a phase that you’d grow out of.” Sound familiar? Well, these are the words spoken to me by my parents when discussing the topic of videogames. Grow out of what exactly? What’s wrong with playing videogames for the rest of my life, they aren’t just for kids you know?

When Christmas 1984 came around my parents bought a BBC Model B Microcomputer for my older brother. Didn’t make much difference whose it was as I took to it like a fish to water. Little did they know what they had started. My journey into the world of videogames had begun. Yay for parents.

Now fast forward 23 Christmases (yuk, I feel old now). There I was sitting in my parent’s living room playing Sonic and Mario at the Olympic Games on the Nintendo Wii with my girlfriend. The rest of my family were sitting on the adjacent sofa looking distinctly disinterested in my rabid wiimote flailing and even turned their collective noses up at Wii Sports (but it was made for old people). The overriding feeling was that adults should be playing with children’s toys at their age, unless it’s with another child. Then it’s all ok, as you’re playing WITH the child and not acting AS a child.

Even in 2007, when the games industry officially overtook the music industry in terms of overall revenue, the sight of an adult playing videogames is still viewed as fairly childish behaviour by a large section of society. Sure there are plenty of children playing videogames. You only have to spend some time on-line using Xbox LIVE to witness many, many teenagers communicating via a mixture of swear words and grunting. However, these teenagers only account for 28.2% of gamers. 47.6% of gamers are aged 18-49 with the remaining 24.2% aged 50+ according to a recent report by Entertainment Software Association (ESA).

Now that I’ve been playing videogames for 23 years now, I’m the average gamer (33 years old). From Elite on the BBC Model B to Army of Two on the Xbox 360 (mmm, not a great game but the most recent one I’ve played) I’ve enjoyed every minute. So that makes me a gamer and an adult. I must be very childish then? Err no, in fact for many aspects of my professional life playing videogames has actually helped me in performing medical procedures (e.g. endoscopy or colonoscopy) as they have developed my hand to eye coordination.

We need to get over the fact that videogames aren’t just for children. Now more than ever they are played by adults, like me, who aren’t your stereotypical gamer (long hair, poor social skills and personal hygiene). If only the rest of society, in particular politicians, would start behaving like adults towards the games industry and the gamers themselves, we could start making some progress. Or maybe I should give up on that idea and go binge drinking down the pub and start smoking in order to be treated like a “grown up” adult in today’s screwed up society.

Check out these other Blog Banter articles: The Average Gamer, Silvercublogger, shinybento, Unfettered Blather, Boom Stick Brigade, Gamer Unit, Zath!, Man Bytes Blog, Game Couch, Video Game Sandwich, Delayed Responsibility, thoughts and rants, Hawty McBloggy

One month later, my boyfriend and his flatmate are sick of me sitting on their couch playing TF2 all the time. Also, Mass Effect was released so I got my own Xbox 360 and flew off on the SS Normandy. In the meantime, I had to get a new debit card because the UK banks have moved away from the wish-it-was-two-factor authentication to actual two-factor authentication. I ordered my new debit card and cancelled my Xbox-Live-known card even though it doesn’t technically expire until September 2008.

There isn’t actually an option to move back to Silver membership from Gold in the Xbox 360 interface. I figured that hey, I can’t use the card in shops any more (I actually tried this), so next time Microsoft try to bill me for the Gold Membership, the charge will get rejected and they’ll downgrade me to a Silver. No problem. My home internet connection is too crappy to play TF2 online anyway.

For Christmas, TheFluffyFist kindly gets me a 12 month subscription card to Xbox Live so that when I do resume playing TF2 I don’t have to give them my new card details and be unable to remove the card info later.

In January, I notice in passing that I still appear to have a Gold membership. “Hmm. That’s strange” I say, but since my two-factor authentication device isn’t in the building, I can’t check my accounts. I forget about it.

Fast forward two months to tonight – I finally got around to looking at my bank statements in detail. Right there in the middle of the month:

“Payment to Microsoft Axbox [sic] Luxembourg This transaction was for GBP 4.99 at exch rate 1.000″

Arse.

Question 1:

How the hell can they continue charging me every month, even though this card was cancelled in November? I shall speak to my bank tomorrow.

Question 2

Does this mean I have to go through the obligatory 3-phone-call ritual and then wait for my non-valid card to be blacklisted before I can stop paying Microsoft for a service I don’t even use?

FFS!

Finally, I’ve been reading Microsoft’s Privacy Statement, which contains the following extract:

“Personal information collected on Microsoft sites and services may be stored and processed in the United States or any other country in which Microsoft or its affiliates, subsidiaries or agents maintain facilities, and by using a Microsoft site or service you consent to any such transfer of information outside your country. Microsoft abides by the safe harbour framework as set forth by the US Department of Commerce regarding the collection, use and retention of data from the European Union.”

In other words, data submitted to Microsoft is NOT fully protected by the Data Protection Act (1998). If it were, under the core principle of not keeping information longer than is necessary, you would (probably) have the right to have your credit card details removed from payment methods after going through the multiple phone calls that it takes to persuade Microsoft that you no longer want a Gold membership. (Disclaimer – I am not a lawyer.)

Under the Safe Harbour Agreement there is some mention of having the right to delete information where it is inaccurate in Safe Harbour FAQ 8 – Access but… I don’t know how that is applied. Any ideas?

Update 7th Feb 2009:
The saga is over! Microsoft have now given us the option to remove credit card details through Xbox.com. See Remove Your Credit Card Details from Xbox Live – ONLINE! for details.

So 30 days have now passed since I was called by Xbox support. Have they removed my card details as they promised? Err, no they haven’t.

To be honest I didn’t expect them to have either. Maybe they had their hands full dealing with the rather shoddy provision of Xbox Live since Xmas and forgot about my support call?

It has now been 53 days since I first asked Xbox Live support to remove my credit card details. I’m now wondering if they actually are able to remove my card details? At this rate the card will have expired. Very, very poor service Microsoft.

Check out part I and part II of this ongoing saga.

Update 26th Mar 08: They’ve been removed. I can’t believe it. Microsoft have FINALLY done what I asked them to do over 3 and a half months ago. When I examine my LIVE account on my 360 there are no card details at all! Upon reviewing my LIVE account at http:\\billing.microsoft.com my card details have been flagged as removed (only there for historical purposes) and can’t be used or viewed. About bloody time Microsoft.

Our advice, remove your card details and buy pre-paid cards instead:

• Xbox Live 12 Month Gold Membership plus 1 free month!!!
• Xbox Live 12 Month Gold Membership Card
• Xbox Live 3 Month Gold Membership Card
• Xbox Live 4200 Points Card
• Xbox Live 2100 Points Card

Here’s Bully according to the Telegraph:

The game, called Bully, features a shaven-headed pupil who torments fellow students and teachers at his school.

Coz shaven-headed pupil = EVIL, right? Just like kids wearing hooded tops are all gangsters. Please, get over your fashion prejudice.

And no, protagonist Jimmy Hopkins doesn’t torment anyone. He’s tormented by his fellow students. Most of the plot centres around helping other kids who are being bullied. Even if you wanted to, it’s actually quite difficult to pick fights with the prefects, teachers and policemen around every corner.

Players gain extra points by terrorising other pupils with a range of physical and psychological abuse, including dunking children’s heads in lavatories and firing catapults at teachers.

Extra points? Bully doesn’t even have a points system. Unless buying candy for girls in exchange for a kiss is now considered “psychological abuse”, the authors of this article are talking crap. A lavatory-dunking scene wouldn’t surprise me but if the first half of the game is anything to go by, the other kid deserved it.

Rated for children aged 15 and above, the game is being released for the XBox 360 and the Nintendo Wii, a games console on which players have to physically act out the movements they want their character to perform.

Physically acting out the movements… Good lord, people, at least TRY the Wii before you comment. Vaguely flailing your hands about with no resistance isn’t acting out a fight, as anyone who’s played Wii Boxing will know. I haven’t played the Wii version of Bully but it wouldn’t surprise me if the closest it came to acting out real life was the Workshop class on bicycle maintenance where you “turn” the pedals using the PS2 left analog stick.

And the game is rated 15 for heaven’s sake. 15! You know why it’s rated 15? Because BBFC professionals think it’s appropriate for 15-year-olds. If, as Jimmy, you fail to attend your classes, you’ll have fewer skills and abilities to get through the game. Each class is a series of non-violent minigames. Your days are spent collecting rubber bands, solving your teachers’ personal problems, safely escorting geeks through a violent schoolyard and standing up to gangs. Your nights are spent on nefarious deeds like panty raids on the girl’s dorm.

Yeah, I can see how this might undermine a charity’s efforts to stop kids joining groups that pick on others. Showcase a kid who doesn’t conform to the herd, fights for the underdog and stands up for himself and his friends? Heaven forfend…

Sure, Bully does feature weapons like a catapult, stink bombs and firecrackers. You can start fights and throw stuff at people; the only in-game reward is the privilege of being pursued by prefects and having your gear confiscated. Fighting other kids can be an entertaining diversion but without GTA’s validation of FBI helicopters and tanks, it quickly becomes tiresome.

Read the full Telegraph article: Video game glorifies bullying, say critics

Bully: Scholarship Edition (hopefully still featuring Monkey Fling) will be released in the UK on March 7th.

Age Rating:

3+ (PEGI)

What is it?

Some sort of hideously complicated farming/village sim.

Is it fun?

No!

Is it worth the money? (£24.99)

No!

Why not?

I’ll freely admit, I Do Not Get Harvest Moon. Even so, in the spirit of representing an Average Gamer, I’m writing this as someone entirely new to the franchise…

What the hell is Harvest Moon DS supposed to be? I’ve played Animal Crossing a lot so I get the concept of a relaxing game where you wander around collecting things. Harvest Moon seems to be like that, only a thousand times more complicated and without the helpful villagers to let you know what the hell is going on.

For starters, I get my new game, wander about and eventually discover that I should be tilling my field. There’s loads of debris in the form of rocks and logs. Not a problem. I soon discover how to pick them up and proceed throw them over the edge where they disappear.

WRONG!

They didn’t disappear at all. I was fly-tipping! The other townsfolk don’t like that at all. Why do I care? Well, I’m not entirely sure even after reading through sites like Fogu. Apparently the witch likes my littering. Do I want her favour? I have no freaking idea.

Another example; you can give random presents to women. Sometimes they’ll love them. Other times they’ll be hurt and offended and make snide remarks. I think affects my prospects of marrying them, which may or may not be a good thing. I hate it because there’s simply no way in-game to tell what they like and dislike. Even worse, I can’t work it out through trial and error. I have immense trouble recalling what I gave to who because everyone just blurs together into a haze of quirky villager. Write it down? Please. I already have a job.

The game is riddled with pitfalls like this. Considering the gameplay is about farming, maintaining your town and getting married, it seems a pretty big liability. Perhaps the best way to illustrate this complexity is with this choice quote from Fogu [via Yahoo! Answers]:

“Before you can get married you must upgrade your house. Your spouse is not going to want to live in the tiny house you start out with! To upgrade you will first need to unlock Channel 2 on the Sprite Station. To open the channel you must buy something from Karen’s telephone store for 10 days.

When you unlock the Tv Shopping Channel 2, watch it every day. Eventually you will see the Table for sale. The little round table will only cost you 500 G. Call the Tv Shopping operators using your telephone and order the Table.

Only after you have received the Table can you then hire Gotz to increase the size of your house for the first time! You must own the Kitchen before he will upgrade your house a second time if you own the Japanese version. The English version does not require the kitchen. “

In other words…

This game is freaking complicated (or in-depth, if you prefer). I hated it. YMMV.

Screenshots

Update 7th Feb 2009:
The saga is over! Microsoft have now given us the option to remove credit card details through Xbox.com. See Remove Your Credit Card Details from Xbox Live – ONLINE! for details.

A few months ago I decided to purchase a months Xbox Live Gold membership. As you all know this is very easy to do. Enter your credit or debit card details and Microsoft take your money before you can blink. Then you receive the obligatory confirmatory email thanking you for your soul purchase. This email also tells you that your membership will automatically renew and:

For information about changing or cancelling your membership and your membership refund policy, go to www.xbox.com/live/accounts.

However, you can’t cancel your membership or remove your credit card details either via your Xbox dashboard or www.xbox.com/live/accounts. Even when you end up at http://billing.microsoft.com you can only change or add a credit or debit card. There is no facility what-so-ever to remove a payment method or cancel a service. Rubbish.

However, I want to stop my monthly Xbox Live Gold subscription. The only way to do this (at the moment) is by calling Xbox Support. I’ve included all the options you need to select to get you through to the relevant help desk person.

UK Xbox Support – Telephone: 0800 587 1102

• Press 1 – Xbox 360 support menu
• Then press 1 – For Xbox Live including billing enquires menu
• Then press 2 – For the cancel or enquire about your account menu
• Finally press 1 – To speak to someone about cancelling your Xbox Live subscription

After I’d said I wanted to remove my credit card details from my Xbox Live account, I was asked for the following information:

• Name
• Credit/Debit card number
• Address
• Home phone number
• Xbox Live username
• Mobile phone number

I was then given a call reference (no surprises there) and told that my request would be escalated to a special team. A member of this team would contact me (via my mobile number) within 48 hours.

The result of all this. It will take 30 days to remove my credit card details from my Xbox Live account. Yes, 30 days (I asked the help desk person to confirm this, just in case I miss heard, which they did). I find this totally unacceptable. The actual (and time-consuming) process of removing/cancelling your card details was completely glossed over in all the communications I received from Microsoft. I won’t hold my breath for the ability to cancel any subscription via the Xbox 360 dashboard. Somehow I don’t think it’s on Microsoft’s feature list (i.e it won’t make them any money). However, until they add this functionality I will not add my credit card details to my live account again.

Update 1st Jan 08: The task of removing my card details continues in part II and part III.

Our advice, remove your card details and buy pre-paid cards instead:

• Xbox Live 12 Month Gold Membership plus 1 free month!!!
• Xbox Live 12 Month Gold Membership Card
• Xbox Live 3 Month Gold Membership Card
• Xbox Live 4200 Points Card
• Xbox Live 2100 Points Card

I played the XBLA demo for ten minutes, decided it wasn’t crap and bought it on the spot. You’d think I’d learn by now, hey? Pinball game mechanics are simple. I haven’t yet seen a pinball game where the rules are straightforward.

For example, on the Pinball FX ‘Agents’ table you can get the message

“The Informator has Reported. MEET HIM”

The wha’? The who? For a start, Informator isn’t even a word. You mean Informer, or Informant. I suppose The Informator might be a robot, in which case I’d be prepared to let it slide in the name of sci-fi atmosphere.

But the point is, how the heck do I meet The Informator? You tell me. Click through for a high-resolution screenshot of the Agent’s table.

*hint* Apparently it’s NOT the ramp on the right with the picture of the dodgy-looking bloke. I tried that.

Post your suggestions in the comments, please.