• I liked Trauma Centre but games like that are fiddly on a moving train.
• I loved the Ace Attorney games
• I hated Harvest Moon
• Animal Crossing was okay but ultimately leaves me feeling empty
• Same goes for Cooking Mama
• And Pokémon
• Don’t even bother with Brain Training
• I already have Tetris DS

What game should I buy next?

So, at the risk of encouraging them with the attention, I’m instigating a new policy of pointing out games that, as a woman, I find laughable. Sometimes even offensive. Contrary to what you may think, I don’t really mind hentai or games like DOA: Xtreme Beach Volleyball. At least they’re upfront about their motives. I’m even fine with Elexis Sin, what with her being modelled after an actual living woman (ICBW). Sure, in Tomb Raider you spend an awful lot of time staring at Lara’s butt. However, it’s always suitably dressed for the prevailing weather.

No, the games that get me are the ones where porn-like women are totally irrelevant. Games like Conan with its stripper-style animation of rescued captive women [linked video NSFW].

Here’s X-Blades, an upcoming anime hack-and-slash which falls straight into the offensive pile:

Introducing Ayumi…

This charismatic heroine is a fearless treasure hunter who has often used her gun blades to fight her way out of seemingly hopeless situations.

See the X-Blades website for more character info. Here’s a picture of Ayumi.

Nice T&A pose. You know where else you can find women who pose like that? In newspapers. On Page 3 [also NSFW]. Quite apart from the fact that she looks about 14 years old, I suppose Ayumi ditched the chainmail bikini because it was too cumbersome, right?

Perhaps I’m not being fair, choosing a promotional wallpaper image. Here’s an in-game screenshot from the media section of the website:

Classy character design, there. Of course, being a kick-ass sword-and-gun-wielding heroine, Ayumi needed to be rescued by a man. Here’s Jay.

Jay is an adventurer like Ayumi and can also be found on the Temple Island. He rescues her from a deadly trap, tries (without success) to free her from her curse and attempts to support her in her fight against the Powers of Darkness.

And his picture:

Note the buffed and manly pecs. Marvel at the well-endowed codpiece. Gasp at his sexy revealing G-string.

No, wait. In my dreams. Us hetero ladies don’t get to play with hot men. I guess it might threaten the developers’ collective masculinity.

I’m not saying that the solution to female objectification is male objectification. It would just be nice if most (not all) character designers could get their heads out of their collective asses for five minutes and think about a world that contains people who aren’t white, male and aged 15 to 25. There are a lot of us out here, also with games consoles. Between us, we have a crapload of money and we’re not spending it on you.

I wonder why…

“We thought it was a phase that you’d grow out of.” Sound familiar? Well, these are the words spoken to me by my parents when discussing the topic of videogames. Grow out of what exactly? What’s wrong with playing videogames for the rest of my life, they aren’t just for kids you know?

When Christmas 1984 came around my parents bought a BBC Model B Microcomputer for my older brother. Didn’t make much difference whose it was as I took to it like a fish to water. Little did they know what they had started. My journey into the world of videogames had begun. Yay for parents.

Now fast forward 23 Christmases (yuk, I feel old now). There I was sitting in my parent’s living room playing Sonic and Mario at the Olympic Games on the Nintendo Wii with my girlfriend. The rest of my family were sitting on the adjacent sofa looking distinctly disinterested in my rabid wiimote flailing and even turned their collective noses up at Wii Sports (but it was made for old people). The overriding feeling was that adults should be playing with children’s toys at their age, unless it’s with another child. Then it’s all ok, as you’re playing WITH the child and not acting AS a child.

Even in 2007, when the games industry officially overtook the music industry in terms of overall revenue, the sight of an adult playing videogames is still viewed as fairly childish behaviour by a large section of society. Sure there are plenty of children playing videogames. You only have to spend some time on-line using Xbox LIVE to witness many, many teenagers communicating via a mixture of swear words and grunting. However, these teenagers only account for 28.2% of gamers. 47.6% of gamers are aged 18-49 with the remaining 24.2% aged 50+ according to a recent report by Entertainment Software Association (ESA).

Now that I’ve been playing videogames for 23 years now, I’m the average gamer (33 years old). From Elite on the BBC Model B to Army of Two on the Xbox 360 (mmm, not a great game but the most recent one I’ve played) I’ve enjoyed every minute. So that makes me a gamer and an adult. I must be very childish then? Err no, in fact for many aspects of my professional life playing videogames has actually helped me in performing medical procedures (e.g. endoscopy or colonoscopy) as they have developed my hand to eye coordination.

We need to get over the fact that videogames aren’t just for children. Now more than ever they are played by adults, like me, who aren’t your stereotypical gamer (long hair, poor social skills and personal hygiene). If only the rest of society, in particular politicians, would start behaving like adults towards the games industry and the gamers themselves, we could start making some progress. Or maybe I should give up on that idea and go binge drinking down the pub and start smoking in order to be treated like a “grown up” adult in today’s screwed up society.

Check out these other Blog Banter articles: The Average Gamer, Silvercublogger, shinybento, Unfettered Blather, Boom Stick Brigade, Gamer Unit, Zath!, Man Bytes Blog, Game Couch, Video Game Sandwich, Delayed Responsibility, thoughts and rants, Hawty McBloggy

I am a hardcore RPG gamer, having cut my virtual teeth on the Gold Box D&D and Buck Rogers games. You wouldn’t know it if you met me in a pub. I could talk for hours about the people around us, your life, drinking games, English weather… all sorts of normal sensible things. But in the back of my mind, I’ll be thinking about going home. Firing up the TV. Figuring out how the hell I can beat that first Demon Wall. (FYI, you need to grind up for the Quickenings)

I loves me the RPGs… but I’m a solitary gamer. I don’t talk about myself. I don’t bring games up in conversation. I don’t need or want other people to play with me. All I want is to be left in peace to explore strange new worlds, seeking out new life and new civilizations.

So, if you want to really understand me, you’ll have to play an RPG. Planescape: Torment, the greatest RPG ever created. I mean it. What’s not to love? It has a wise-cracking floating skull. It has a useful journal system. It has the novelty of progression through NOT killing things. But most of all, it has meaning and depth and emotion.

Play it for the consequences of immortality, both glorious and tragic. Play it for the odd philosophy of belief and how it shapes the world. Play it to meet a cast of characters as yet unrivalled in the games industry. Hell, play it just to meet Annah, the hot be-tailed tiefling. She’s awesome and takes no crap from anyone.

Play it, and you’ll see a huge part of my childhood. This game has everything I love about fantasy.

[Image taken from GameSpot. Sadly, I no longer have a copy of the game to make my own screenshots]

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Silvercublogger, The Average Gamer, Game Couch, thoughts and rants, Delayed Responsibility, Boom Stick Brigade, Boom Stick Brigade 2, CrazyKinux’s Musing, Gamer Unit, Draining Souls.net, 8-Bit Brigade, Zath Games Tech, Arm the Flag, Hawty McBloggy, Lou Lantos

Even worse than job interviews are those psychometric tests and assessment days that are so popular among banks for their graduate recruitment programmmes. Multiple-choice personality questions? Shoving a bunch of 20-somethings into direct competition and making them work as a team? Urgh.

I propose that we do away with these sorts of assessments entirely. Instead, all candidates should be made to play through the whole of Portal.

No, I’m serious. Stay with me here… no spoilers, I promise. See, the advantage of Portal as a recruitment tool is that it guides you through the mechanics of the gameplay. It’s completely newbie-friendly; there are no stupid QTE sections, the controls are simple and unlike, say, Final Fantasy, you’re never dropped into a situation that’s way too powerful for you.

Once you’ve been shown the basics and “thinking with portals”, you’re left to progress in your own time and put together the skills you’ve learned in order to solve practical puzzles. This is where the game becomes extremely useful as a microcosm of the decision-making business environment.

I finished playing Portal and then watched several other people do it. In doing so, I noticed three distinct styles of play.

The Brute Force Approach

Brute Forcers don’t really get the hang of thinking with portals. Unless forced to do otherwise, they stick to the most familiar options - walk through walls or fall from ceilings. The first solution that comes to mind will be a tried and trusted standby. If it doesn’t work, repeat and run faster this time. Only after many failed attempts do they start considering the differences between this environment and the last.

Advantages: Quick to act.
Disadvantages: Slow to try new things. Not good at creating innovative solutions.

The Analyser

Analysers stop and look around before doing anything. They consider a range of possible solutions before trying one out. If that doesn’t work as expected, they’ll take into account any new information and try something else.

Advantages: Careful, thorough decision-maker. Likely to come up with new ideas.
Disadvantages: Slow to act. Familiar problems may be solved slower due to overanalysis.

The Chancer

A chancer will guess based on how similar to to a previously-solved problem the new puzzle appears at first glance. They won’t necessarily search to see if anything is different. If the most “obvious” solution doesn’t work, they’ll try a few different ones. Only after exhausting the known repertoire will they start to analyse a new situtation.

Advantages: Quick to act.
Disadvantages: Can proceed rapidly down the wrong path. May not notice problems until it’s too late.

What do you think? Is your in-game decision-making process different from real life?

“It is completely unacceptable to carry a knife or a gun.

“Where police have previously been cautioning people, there now has to be a presumption of prosecution.”

The PM went on: “I am very worried about video and computer games.

“No one wants censorship or an interfering State.

“But the industry has some responsibility to society and needs to exercise that.”

- The Sun - Gordon Brown’s blitz on blades

I like the way he overlooks the fact that the UK has had censorship on knives (mildly NSFW) for quite some time.

The Evening Standard emailed me asking for my opinion. My response was stripped of all personality but published in their Friday print edition with the general point still intact. Even better, it was alongside two other responses who were equally disdainful of the connection between games and real-world violence. Here’s what I sent them:

“As a long-time gamer I can assure you that the interactive format of games only serves to emphasise the gap between virtual and real blood. Yes, even with pretty graphics and hi-def televisions. Virtual injuries are harmless learning experiences. Real injuries hurt like hell. It’s a big bloody difference.

Any video game that could potentially glamorise knife or violent crime is given at least a 15 rating by the BBFC, making it illegal for children to purchase. In other words, if impressionable kids are playing these games, someone in a position of responsibility has chosen to give it to them. Adults think twice about showing 18-rated films to teens but it happens, with no ill-effects. Games should be treated the same way.

Real violence has long-term consequences (ideally). Zero tolerance for violent crime is a good thing, as long as the resources are there to properly rehabilitate offenders, not just hide them away for a few short months or years.

People join gangs because they feel unsafe and seek a sense of community, belonging and protection. Until safe alternative communities are supported, prevalent and (crucially) fun, the violent gangs will prevail. What’s that? Gamers are safe in their living rooms and having fun with friends? Interesting idea…”

Here’s a scan of the printed version - The Evening Standard Reader’s Letters Page. Sure, it’s not exactly a feature article but they approached me and it’s in a prominent position, so I’m counting it as a win :)

What would you have said, had they asked you to weigh in on the debate?

Maybe the rest of the game will turn out to be more fun than this demo, otherwise I’m not coming back. This demo was boring, linear, repetitive and heavily scripted. To start off you find yourself in a (very) dark cave in which you come across various Velociraptors, although they could have been pretty much anything. In fact, I couldn’t see a bloody thing even on a 40 inch HDTV*. What’s with the dark graphics? It’s not as if they look that good either. Not impressed.

When you finally get outside (no thanks to your useless team member) the massive open environments I was hoping for just failed to appear. Instead I found myself wandering through a claustrophobic (i.e. very intrusive foliage, means you can’t see very much) jungle area. Walk from point A to point B whilst being attacked at set points by dinosaurs (and I mean at set points, as I repeated certain bits to test this). During some of the set attacks you have to hit L2 and or R2 to fend of toothy dinosaur death. This became tiresome very quickly as it occurs quite a lot.

I expected the Turok demo to show off lots of pretty graphics, sound and big scary dinosaurs. But it didn’t and it wasn’t much fun to play either. Is this another Turok - Evolution (which was terrible)?

*The pitch blackness seems to be a feature of the PS3 version. On the Xbox 360 you can actually see where you going in the caves. There isn’t a gamma setting available on the demo, so it’s not that. Weird. Now if I had a choice, I plump for the Xbox 360 version.

Did anyone else like this Turok demo or notice the difference between the 2 versions (PS3 and Xbox 360)?

Update 21st Jan 08: This Turok demo surfaces on the UK PSN store on the 7th Feb 08. But I wouldn’t bother if I were you.

Turok is released on the 8th Feb 2008 on PS3, Xbox 360 and PC (spring 2008).

But rather than focus on that particular failure of child-protection attempts, I’m posting about another one.

My savegame for Mario and Sonic At The Olympics is not under my usual handle, Weefz. At first I thought that perhaps someone else had taken the name, despite the fact that we had the game within days of release. As it turns out, there’s no restriction on unique names. Still, I tried Weefz1, WeefzTyree and many others with no success. Finally, we clocked it. I had fallen foul of the naughty word filter. Apparently, “wee” is no longer the acceptable term for children to use when referring to urine. o_0

So, should you ever see a Wiifz in the Mario and Sonic online records table, that’s me.

Of course, once we figured this out, we had to push the boundaries. Here’s a small fraction of unacceptable phrases for a savegame file.

And there we have it… the difference between me and a person of upstanding moral fortitude lies somewhere between “wee” and “teabagging”

This sort of character string blacklist throws too many false positives. It also doesn’t work. If someone really wants to be a rude word on the Internet, they’ll find a way.

1. It’s a bloody brilliant game. I’ll admit, I really love the previous BioWare RPGs and this is no exception.
2. Penny Arcade were not exaggerating.
3. What the heck happened to the right-eye animation? Virtually every character seems to have a problem with their right eyelid. An undocumented side-effect of element zero exposure, maybe?
4. Despite BioWare’s track record, all the marketing that I had seen left me honestly concerned that I would be forced to play as a man. I am very happy to report that this is not the case. Come on boys, there are about a dozen pictures of John Shepherd. A couple of screenies with a female lead isn’t too much too ask, is it?
5. One actual annoyance - the dialogue options seem to bear little resemblance to the actual dialogue. Here’s a sample.

NPC: I never got to properly thank you for rescuing me
Dialogue option: You’re welcome
Actual dialogue: I’m just glad we got there in time.

I get that it’s suppose to be a short gist of what will be said but a) That’s not even close and b) There’s absolutely no indication as to the tone. Completely innocuous-looking phrases can be delivered as outright hostilities. AFter much trial and error, I’ve found that the top-right option is often diplomatic or sympathetic, the middle right is usually neutral and the bottom right can be any one of hostile, sarcastic, or neutral. This doesn’t always hold but it makes things a little less frustrating. A simple KOTOR2-style marker like [Angry] or [Mocking] would have made conversations feel much more natural and controlled.

Okay, break over. Back to gaming ;)

I’m staying quiet on the whole Church of England vs Sony thing. However, one line from the C of E’s response did catch my eye:

“However, we do not move from the position that we are against violence and especially the gun violence seen in this portrayal of the Cathedral.”

So… should there be an invasion of aliens bent on killing and maiming all humans… and should there be military personnel sheltering inside Manchester cathedral…

What, pray tell, would the Church of England like said military personnel to do? Turn the other cheek? Fall on their knees and pray for forgiveness? Perhaps make a substantial donation to the Church in the hopes that God will intervene and save them all?

Yeah, that will ensure the survival of the human race. Right. In the immortal words of Colonel Carl Jenkins:

“You disapprove? Well, too bad! We’re in this war for the species, boys and girls…”

Manhunt 2

In other news, the BBFC have finally refused to approve a game - Manhunt 2. I have mixed feelings about this. On the one hand, a game showing “unrelenting focus on stalking and brutal slaying and the sheer lack of alternative pleasures on offer to the gamer” sounds uncompromisingly grim and the world would probably not be any worse off without it. On the other hand… it seems like an awful lot of equally violent slasher films are approved recently - Paradise Lost a.k.a Turistas (in the rest of the world), Captivity, Saw III. It seems rather unfair. Seriously, take a look at the plot keywords for Saw III. Here’s a sample:

• Mutilation
• Stabbed In The Head
• Neck Breaking Scene
• Drill
• Severed Foot
• Gruesome

Does portraying all that filmed fear and pain and violence magically become okay as long as the villain pauses for a moment of contemplation?

*sigh*

My feelings on game (and other) censorship are as follows:

1. I thought the whole point of having an adult classification was that adults (in general) can be trusted to make their own judgements. Does that no longer apply when the fictional bad guy fails to get his comeuppance? Let the game through with an 18 rating and let those who want to play it have their twisted idea of fun. I won’t buy it any more than I wanted to see Saw III. If a game based around unrelenting brutality does become a blockbuster multi-million-pound hit… UK culture probably has some fundamental underlying problems that need more than censorship to address.
2. The world is seriously fucked-up enough. Take a look at today’s news. Do we really need this sort of shit in our fantasy entertainment, too?