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Mass Effect Fan Fiction Will Ruin Your Day
- Updated: February 9, 2012
WARNING: This article, while merely seeking to make light of some of the laughably inept fan fiction that exists among the gaming community, does contain material that some readers may find offensive. I have edited passages where possible to restrict this, but also wished to retain the tone with which these stories were originally written. This article is intended for amusement. All grammatical errors have been left entirely intact. Or, entact.
Video games – along with science fiction TV shows – have long captivated nerds and provided a temporary escape from reality for geeky dudes who can vicariously live another life. Some devoted gamers will often discuss their favourite stories and characters (online, obviously) and begin to play out “what-if” scenarios:
What if Agent Mulder never returned to The X-Files and Agent Scully began an affair with Assistant Director Skinner? What if Captain Kirk had never met Spock? What if Buffy the Vampire Slayer found true love in a demon? Or a sweaty dude with a kick ass WoW character?
It was during one of these flights of fancy that somebody thought “hey, I bet I could write this story! I am perfectly placed to continue the narrative the real writers never wanted to see.” And lo, Fan Fiction was born.
For those unfamiliar with the term ‘Fan Fiction’, the Urban Dictionary defines it as:
A piece of fiction within a fandom utilizing characters and situations from a pre-existing work including (but not limited to) books, television programs, films, and comic strips.
Straightforward enough, right? People become so inspired by the characters within their favourite shows or video games, that they want to expand on that universe and have other folks read it. It’s a bit like an internet-only version of the Star Wars Expanded Universe. Written by virgins.
A later Urban Dictionary definition goes on to say:
Most [fanfics] are written by an obsessed fan who invents a character that’s supposed to be like him/her, only 10 times prettier, smarter, and stronger who falls in love with whoever the fan has a crush on. Many of them have poor grammar, thin plots, and bad spelling. But there are a few with original ideas, great storylines, and interesting fancharacters writen by creative writers. These ones are worth reading.
With the imminent release of Bioware’s conclusion to their sprawling Sci-Fi epic Mass Effect 3, I figured now would be the perfect time to go hunting for some Fan Fiction featuring Shepard and the gang. With such a rich blend of history, characters and locations, I was sure that Mass Effect Fan Fiction would be full of “original ideas, great storylines, and interesting fancharacters written by creative writers.” THESE WILL BE WORTH READING! I thought.
I was wrong.
Welcome to—Mass Effect! Aw Crap!
Ok, so you can see why this one first intrigued me. The title alone practically screams Saved By The Bell-type antics are sure to follow, and if there’s one thing I’m a sucker for, it’s early-90s screwball comedy. Reading on, it became immediately apparent that I was to be throroughly disappointed:
Chapter 1: Meet the Family
Summary: A 14 year old girl and her 16 year old brother ends up in her favourite videogame and must learn to defend themselves against the harsh natures of the universe.
Follow them as they finds friends, their true family and… Love..? O.O
Wait, does she mean like, incest? Okay, maybe this could be interesting.
Disclaimer: I do not own Mass Effect in any way.
EJ: Not even for an hour?
Random Lawyer: NO!
EJ: Awwwww! … How about a minute?
EJ: Dammit! ….. A second?
Al: NO! NOW START THE STORY!
OR DON’T. I don’t even know what to make of this, I mean… what is this? You’re a writer, you’re arguing with an imaginary lawyer, the lawyer is ‘random’, the ‘random lawyer’ wants you to start the story? WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS, EJ?
The story opens with an un-named character in the midst of an attack, uh, by someone, on… something. Anyway, it doesn’t matter, because we then discover it was all a dream, and ‘EJ’ falls out of bed or something and goes to have breakfast with her family.
EJ’s family are all brunettes which makes her feel bad because she has curly, blonde hair. This leads to her being called ‘Curly’, because – did I mention this? She has curly blonde hair. Oh, and “the fact that I tend to impersonate Curly Howard (from the 3 Stooges) whenever I’m trying to be ‘silly’. Mom’s words not mine! I swear!”
She is never referred to as ‘Curly’ ever again.
So EJ heads off to ‘EB’ to see if they’re taking pre-orders on Mass Effect 3, which, assuming ‘EB’ is a video game store, you’d fucking hope so. Being the well-adjusted teen that EJ is, she elects to listen to the suicide mission theme from the ME2 soundtrack on the way. Somewhere along the road, EJ and her brother, Al, run into a weird glowing box, and being the effortlessly responsible teenage kids driving a car that they are, they touch it and end up in Mass Effect for some reason.
“Congratulations blondie!” Al remarked sarcastically. “You probably almost killed yourself today and- Where the hell are we?” The last part was filled in confusion. We immediately looked around to see that we were in an abandoned ally that had metal walls and floors instead of bricks and concrete. There were pieces of paper littering the floor and the lights were dimmed red. It reminded me of Omega from Mass Effect 2.
Oh, ok. I guess EJ says it reminded her of Mass Effect 2.
“I have no idea.” I said, “But if I had to guess, I would say that we are in an alleyway in Omega. You know, from Mass Effect 2?”
YEAH, I DO!
Al and EJ visit Aria at the Afterlife club and tell her that THEY HAVE NO PARENTS, because apparently that’s what 14 year old kids do when confronted on an alien planet. Oh, and then they get a free apartment and spend the next two years learning how to fight. EJ helpfully explains the changes she and her brother have gone through:
I won’t lie, my brother is better than me when it comes to brute force and weapon training (and developed a shoot first ask questions later habit because of it), but I had more stamina, speed, and stealth than him. While Al would attack enemies in the front lines, I would silently kill them from the shadows. Giving the reason why we have completely different attire.
On Omega, males and females wear different clothes based on how they kill their prey.
Taking some time out here, for just one second, I’m going to be honest with you; I don’t know what this story is supposed to be about. There’s some stuff about Shepard recruiting the kids for the Illusive Man during the ‘Quarantine’ mission to recruit Mordin in Mass Effect 2, but apart from that, it’s mostly descriptions like this:
“Well look at you.” He said gesturing his hands at me, “Ever since you started training your body became toned and slimmed, your hair is blond (probably the only blond haired human in Omega), you have a cute face and a big heart. Al and I have to scare all the men away from you.”
That’s a Batarian describing a 16 year old white girl.
Now, this story isn’t actually finished. That’s right, ten chapters in and this chick still doesn’t know when to give up. If you ever find out what happens, please don’t ever contact me.
Luckily for us, there’s more than enough fan fiction out there to keep us going in the meantime, like this next sack of crap.
I just want something to go right
This is the basic story of Mass Effect 2, only with a, uh, slight twist:
“Garrus are you alright?” she asked as she watched him slightly relax.
“I’ve been better Shepard” he spoke as Shepard nodded and readied her pistol.
“Hey Garrus” She said.
“Loser gives the other a back rub” Shepard gave a cheeky smile with a fire in her eyes as Garrus smiled back and reloaded his rifle.
If you weren’t accustomed to the idea of human women having sex with weird alien dudes, you’re about to be.
she held his mandible under his visor as he reached for his sniper rifle.
As they sat in the rover Garrus checked on Shepard, he looked at her head and eyes. But Shepard kept on seeing two Garrus’s (well two of everything) but she didn’t complain, she kept on thinking what it would be like having two Garrus’s round her…
“Turians based on dextrose-amino acids could cause anaphylactic shock…so don’t…ingest” Mordin covered his mouth as Shepard’s face turned scarlet. A lump formed in her throat as she listened, she wanted him to stop but he kept on explaining about how Turian skin might feel against hers. She felt like she wanted to scream that everything about sex was new to her.
This story is an ambitious attempt to re-tell the story of Mass Effect 2 without allowing the bubbling sexual tension between Shepard and Garrus to boil over. Evidently, it fails miserably, because everyone that writes fan fiction is a tortured sexual deviant, and has only seen boobs on the internet. On character sprites.
Good ol’ Commander Jane Shepard has had a tough couple of years, what with dying, being reconstructed and saving the galaxy twice, so Hell, when Christmas rolls around you bet your ass she’s bustin’ out the high heels and getting blasted with Liara.
When it was time for some of them to leave, Jane snagged Liara by the arm and grinned.
“Nope. I want you up in my cabin. Ash told me how you reacted when I died. I’m sorry you had to suffer. But I’m back and I still love you. Don’t forget the night after I helped you with old Broker.” she whispered. Liara smiled.
“Of course. ” Liara replied and let Jane lead her up to the cabin after the elevator was empty and Jane had said good-bye and handed out cards. A tradition, she explained.
“I loved the party.” Liara complimented.
“Of course.” Jane giggled and took off her boots.
“Thanks for the gift too. I owe you.” the Asari added.
“Have something in mind?” Jane questioned, smiling.
“If I know you, yes.” Liara replied. Jane looked at her. She understood. Perfectly.
“All right.” she said, giving Liara a kiss.
“Happy holidays.” Liara managed before her eyes went black. “Embrace eternity.” she added. Jane grinned and felt her dress get unzipped. It fell to the floor and soon the two women were on the bed. Jane’s eyes were closed and her lips on Liara. Her party was great and her gift was great. The day had been exactly what she had wanted and more.
Truly purfect. she thought.
Oh, did you think I meant that Shepard and Liara hit the club for some dancing? No, they have sex. Everyone has sex in Mass Effect. If Mass Effect 3 isn’t one giant orgy after all of this, somebody is gonna die for it.
Down With the Ship
With a title like that, I think we can all guess where this is going. Not content with pimping female Shepard’s out to aliens, ‘Down With the Ship’ gives a little more insight into the character of Kelly, the Normandy’s uh, secretary, I guess. And we all know that where secretary’s are concerned, a sexy time is only a flirtatious remark away.
Kelly was excited to have been called to Commander Shepard’s cabin. The Commander was a good-looking man, and Kelly hoped to get a very good look at him, the sooner, the better.
But when she opened the door, she received two disappointments. One was that the Commander had a picture of an asari on his desk. The other was that he was fully dressed, with a stack of papers in front of him. He looked ready for work, not play.
Aw, man! Why is the Commander of a spaceship and crew of hundreds, on a mission to save the universe, more concerned with work instead of what Kelly might look like in ass-less chaps? Luckily, it turns out that Mordin has been writing some – INCEPTION ALERT – fanfic of his own, and boy did we have that guy all wrong:
“Doctor,” Miranda pants, hair disheveled, bosom heaving. “What is wrong with us?”
Heroic scientist consults datapad. “Pollen indigenous to planet. Reacts with human receptors. Triggers mating behaviours.”
Jack, angry: “We’re in heat? Like varren?”
Miranda, groaning, begs for cure. Only one to offer.
Moments later, it arrives.
“Commander Shepard here to help you ladies.”
Jack scowls. “One of him. Two of us.” Arousal is so intense it is painful. Own fingers do not satisfy.
Scientist smiles. “Learn to share.” Turns on omnitool. Records. For science.
Yep. Not only is Mordin writing about his fellow crew members having sex, but he’s encouraging it, like some kind of space-dogger. Oh, and don’t think he’s only concerned with the females on board:
“This isn’t right. I’m a cop. You’re a hired killer.”
Thane grins. “Ex-cop now.” He bends over, exposing anus. “If you feel bad—walk away.”
Garrus cannot walk away. Grabs drell’s hips, enters him on swift thrust. “I’m addicted.” Licks Thane’s sweat, hopes to dream of better days—days before Archangel fell.
Krios whispers, “You’re no angel any more.”
JESUS. When reading, you often forget that there is an author’s voice behind this stuff. Sure, this is actually supposed to be an amusing little story about a mucky scientist, but when you read passages like this…
Tali throws back head, screaming in pleasure. His fingers in her suit, in her body. She cries. Should not do this. Should not do this with human. Especially not human who cleans toilets, wipes sh*t from walls. Fingers, touching sh*t, now inside her. She loves it in spite of this.
…you suddenly realise that a multi-player option is Mass Effect 3 is probably a really, really bad idea.
Slave t o hate
I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking, ‘you spelled the title wrong, dumbass’. Normally, you’d be correct. But you’ve read the other stories here.
‘Slave t o hate’ is set before the events of the Mass Effect games, and concerns itself with a violent, racist Turian named… Gavin. The author warns us that ‘[t]his story will deal with a lot of mature issues and is going to be very graphic hope fully you will enjoy the character; I plan on created the protagonist that is hated by the readers.’ Well, I think he’s succeeded in one of those aims, see if you can guess which. Mr. Daniel intones that ‘all criticisms are welcome positive or negative’, but also ‘please if you do not approve or are not open minded move on.’ So if you think this is crap (it is) GET THE HELL OUTTA HERE, BUDDY. WE DON’T LIKE YOUR KIND.
Hey, that’s kind of like the character in the story, who, if you hadn’t already guessed, is a real asshole:
“You have nothing to offer me human; go fetch the owner for me “Gavin said with a sneer. The waitress frowned and left the two turians at the bar and headed up stairs to the casino. Karris looked over to his brother “please, Gav the war is over let us just enjoy ourselves” Gavin did not answer and Karris got up and left.
Doran the owner of Flux came down to meet Gavin “Anything I can help you with, sir”? Gavin ignored him at first then said “I am waiting for the owner” Doran repeated his question Gavin realized that Doran was the owner and said very plainly “You realize that there is not one turian in this establishment besides myself don’t you “Doran looked around and said “Sir I am extremely busy is there anything that you need that I may assist you with”?
“Your human female has insulted me I want her fired”, Gavin answered
Excusing the terrible grammar on display here (let’s give the guy a break, he’s foreign or something), I actually kind of like the fact that this character is a total dick. It would have been fun to see him interact with the characters we’re all familiar with, flipping everyone off and basically just being an intergalactic badass. Mr. Daniel had other ideas though, I guess.
Karris wanted to object but he knew it was for the best. He knew that Gavin blamed the war and ultimately the humans for their father’s death. After Gavin heard that his father had died he left the military and moved to the citadel he drank himself into a depression that he could never come out of. He watched his brother walk till he reached a transit pod then Karris made his way home regretting not being strong enough to stand up to his brother.
Woah, this is actually kind of deep. Considering these characters are completely original, I’m impressed that the guy didn’t just opt to copy any of the blueprints laid out in games, and instead decided that, you know what? He was gonna carve his very own character arc for this guy, helping we, the readers, to explore the background of what life must have been like for those Turians affected by the war, and their attitude towards the humans they blame for their suffering.
Gavin a lonely turian veteran returns home to his small apartment in the citadel wards from a failed attempt at being social and showers his sorrows, his hate, and his pain away his ritual of returning to his home his cage his prison.
He enters his kitchen and grabs a bottle of his strongest drink and turns the bottle up. He walks into his living area and watches old vids of his father with his brother and him. His father had died in the battle for Shanxi and was dearly missed by Gavin. The vid showed his father teaching Karris Gavin’s younger brother how to repair a damaged rover, Gavin wished he and his brother could have a better relationship but it seems that whenever he is around Karris he is reminded of his father. He fell asleep in a chair with the vids playing the soft light created dramatic shadows in his apartment like demons attacking him in his sleep while the laughter of his family mocks his pain.
Late in the evening, a Quarian named Rita (these names are incredible, right?) begs Gavin to let her stay as she’s poor and stuff. In an incredible twist, Gavin actually allows the beggar to sleep on the couch, and heads off to bed, only to catch the little rat robbing him blind. Clearly, Gavin is not the kind of guy to put up with this kind of crap, so he slings her out on her a… oh, no wait he brutally murders her:
Gavin became excited at the pleas for mercy he was tired of being upset he was tired of being powerless he didn’t want to kill her but he couldn’t stop himself he pulled the blade out of the kneeling qurian and slit her throat and she struggled on the floor unable to scream, he held her down to minimize the noise and to keep her from knocking anything over finally she stopped moving.
Okay, so the story just took a dark turn. Maybe now Gavin will reassess his life, realise that he can’t keep living with so much hate in his life… maybe, maybe even turn himself in?
Gavin woke up the next day covered in blood on his couch with his vids playing bottles lie all around him. He jumped up and hurried to his bed room to examine the qurian. To his surprise he found her cut up in four separate pieces.
To his surprise he found her cut up in four separate pieces.
To his surprise he found her cut up in four separate pieces.
Just let that sink in for a minute.
He couldn’t believe his eyes had he done this there was no way he would get away with this. This wasn’t self defense this was a sick massacre and he knew that there was no way to talk himself out of this one sure the occasional altercation with a human could be understood but this. He was losing it he needed to keep this a secret. What could he do? He then realized there was only one thing he could do.
What could it be?! Confide in his brother, the one person he knew deep down loved him and could help him come to terms with this awful crime?
He got in the shower.